Monday, December 1, 2008

The Santa Claus Protocols

From: The Law Offices of Lios, Dyrin, Cobweb, Ilbereth & Hermes
RE: The commercial portrayal of our client, S. Claus

To Whom It May Concern:

At this rolling time of year, it behooves us to issue a reminder to all and sundry that the distasteful and damaging abuse of the image of our client, Santa Claus (a.k.a. St. Nicholas, Sinter Klaas, Father Christmas, etc., etc.) is strictly frowned upon. Such abuses include but are not limited to:

1) Portrayals of him as skinny and unbearded;
2) Portrayals of him on the beach or dressed in summer apparel;
3) Portrayals of him as using cars or airplanes rather than traditional reindeer and sleigh;
4) Portrayals of him in a sexual fashion;
5) Portrayals of him using the clumsy technology of ordinary mortals, such as computers;
6) Portrayals of him as patronizing particular stores or companies (which is not only partisan
but foolishly assumes that a supplier of his magnitude buys retail);

In short, any portrayal deviating too far from traditional, magical image that he not only supports but lives, or that serves the selfish ideologies of the purveyor, are to be eschewed at the penalty of our client's extreme displeasure.

And while it is true that Mr. Claus is of a forgiving, charitable, and jovial nature, we elves are not always so inclined.

Yrs. Sincerely,
Lios, Dyrin, Cobweb, Ilbereth, & Hermes, Ltd.

P.S.: Though it is out of our purview per se, we would also strongly suggest that any further parodies of Clement Clark Moore's poem "A Visit From St. Nicholas" for commercial use be discontinued, especially if the writer cannot scan the correct meter of the line.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Potential violators need be reminded that the client (Mr. Claus) knows who has been naughty and who has been nice, and that any assumptions that contemplated violations of the above protocols will go unnoticed should be discouraged.